Monday, March 20, 2006

I bought daffodils yesterday and they're arching their necks and blooming proudly and perkily next to my computer right now. They have more life force than I seem to today! Here we are, day and night of equal duration, the equinox allowing us to contemplate the BALANCE OF OPPOSITES. I've been aware of a need to pull in and just BE, that the most interesting work I'm doing may be at night while I sleep. I want to absorb and feel nurtured, not necessarily to put out and create in an ambitious way, as I see so many people—caught in the rat race—doing nonstop (how do they replenish?). A friend used to call this the balance between the primal self and the enterpriser self, or the deep feminine and the materializing masculine. I've been focused in the enterpriser for a long time, living in the frontal lobes of my brain—what another friend used to call "the walnuts"—and life seems dull and flat. The primal is calling me, dragging me, down. Going down into the formless, into the purely experiential, helps eliminate clutter—which is another part of what the equinox is about: move now beyond the winter contraction, shed the old skins, break through the shells. Be squeaky new like tender green shoots, vulnerable, unprotected, yet motivated by a fierce force that is so much greater than your current concept of self, that aims to grow you to maturity and knows the blueprint. Decluttering is not a masculine act, but one of dissolution and release of memory. Today is the day of reckoning: can I feel nurtured enough? Can I trust that unknown lifewave that is just beginning to rise, that will carry me forward to where I know not?

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