Monday, April 10, 2006

My Kindly Billionaire Grandfather
I am definitely at the end of a period of karma—I can feel it. The karma is about many lives of devotion to God, and my deep identity as a minister, missionary, and upholder of God's laws. There is something in me that has been so steeped in spiritual ethics and uprightness (not rigidly, though) that I could hardly see past it to a looser, more frivolous, pleasurable way of being. Now I am bored with that "old way." The ethics are ingrained and don't need much attention, and I don't feel like correcting anyone anymore. As the consciousness that goes with taking vows wanes, I find I am curious about creating more money and perhaps a more complicated life. I've never been materialistic, and have always kept my rates at a "fair" level. I have tried to keep a balance between not having too little nor too much—either was considered a "sin," or a missing of the mark, by the early Essenes, to whom I relate strongly.

I see that the ministerial consciousness has limited my creativity. The inner me would come up with creative ideas, and an internalized voice would say, "But that won't allow people with lower incomes to participate." Or, "If you look too flashy, people will not get the teachings you're trying to embody. You can't seem egotistical, or allow people to give their power over to you!" I realized I could have a different voice in my head that gave approval for my great ideas. That was the voice of my kindly billionaire grandfather. He says, "Penney, where would you like to live? What kind of house do you want and need? Just tell me and I'll get one for you!" So, I am practicing. Seeing that with many things, I never spelled out what I wanted because my frugal minister would say I didn't REALLY need that much, now, did I? But, hey! We're all entitled to manifest whatever we can think of!

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