Monday, November 27, 2006

The Power of Contrition
I was writing in my journal, following a winter feeling of being holed-up, living with less outdoor time and daylight, being chilly alot. The feeling traveled down into a deep place under my surface, and I began to get in touch with parts of my behavior I am truly embarrassed about. I suppose we all have these places we gloss over, where we spin the story so we seem guileless and innocent. Facing my arrogance about having things the way I want them — ugh! Not fun. I have been a dominator at times, and that's not easy to admit when I mainly like to think of myself as of service to others. I let myself go into that feeling of shame and remorse. Imagined how I'd feel if someone were doing the same things to me. I could fully empathize with the people I've been pushy or sharp with.

And so I sat down and wrote letters to the two people I felt I had done this to the most. The message was to the point; I admitted acting horrendously and said I would never do it again, that all I really wanted was to become a truly loving person before I die. I said I was writing because I knew that sometimes when you say these things outloud, the receiver can sweep it under the rug, and I wanted them to really know that I meant it. I sent the letters. And then, I began working on forgiveness, seeing that under my actions had been a feeling of panic about being deeply uncomfortable with things being out of order — out of MY kind of order. I saw that I need to work on tolerating chaos in my world, that disorder is just another kind of higher order. That by centering into my soul vibration, I maintain the only order I need, which is the experience of my own "god-tone."

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